This is an automated archive made by the Lemmit Bot.
The original was posted on /r/nfl by /u/CreamyLibations on 2024-02-25 22:58:03.
Introduction
In 845 A.D., an army of 5,000 viking warriors under the command of Ragnar Lodbrok descended upon what was then called West Francia, annihilated the scattered and disorganized French resistance, and sacked the city of Paris. Many scholars consider this event to be an important milestone in the history of Viking invasions of European lands, and it ultimately led to the Vikings attempting unsuccessfully to repeat this siege in 885-886.
I’d like to rank the chances I’d think the forces of West Francia would have had against a similarly-sized army of each team’s namesake, starting with the easiest.
Easy French Victories
Miami Dolphins
There’s just too much working against the dolphins for this to work out in their favor. Dolphins have never shown aptitude for land-based military tactics, and would likely struggle with the very basics of traversal, let alone warfare. The lack of saltwater near Paris means that the French forces wouldn’t even need to do anything to win by default.
Arizona Cardinals
Although 5,000 is a lot of birds, Cardinals are certainly the least threatening flavor of bird amongst the mascots. Even with overwhelming numbers, the Cardinals would struggle to do any serious damage to the people or infrastructure of Paris. In fact, they may end up providing meager quantities of food to the starving peasants of the city once they learned how to capture them. Sun Tzu once said “don’t feed your enemies, because that’s stupid, it’ll help them.”
Los Angeles Chargers
It’s a bit difficult to quantify this one due to the abstract nature of the team’s name. They are named after the fact that Dodgers fans yelled “Charge!” at the sounding of the bugle. The best option we have is to go with 5,000 of their mascot, Boltman. It’s impossible to deny the sheer definition of those muscles and gigachad chin, but unfortunately, Boltman is unarmed and does not canonically have any powers, and would fall quickly in any field of battle.
Cleveland Browns
Whether we go with 5,000 Paul Browns or 5,000 of that stupid fucking elf, this one is also pretty cut and dry. Honestly, they’re probably better off with 5,000 Paul Browns, what with those elves having the “I’m taking a real big poop and it’s not coming out cleanly” mouth line and being real small. Even a scattered army would easily win against the Browns here.
Likely French Victories
Baltimore Ravens
Ravens aren’t built like warriors, but they have the brains to make up for it. Their long-shot victory chances would hinge on creating and executing careful military schemes to dismantle key parts of the field and city forces, and some very involved work to time and disrupt supply lines. It’s a long shot, but if any bird has a chance of doing it, it’s these guys.
Seattle Seahawks
Osprey are fairly large, but they have small beaks, so they’d rely on their razor sharp talons do do the talking. Their long-shot path to victory involves thousands of ferocious pecks and scratches and a whole lot of luck, and they would provide more food than the cardinals if captured. They also would need to take breaks to fly to the sea and catch fish to eat, which would slow down their ability to sustain barrages. Still, I wouldn’t want to mess with thousands of these things.
Atlanta Falcons
Falcons aren’t actually super huge, but they’re equipped with foot razors like Osprey and could do some great damage in large numbers. They eat land mammals, which cuts down their supply issues compared to the osprey, but their size deficiency means they can do less damage at a time. It’s a long shot, but 5,000 of these things at once puts Stephen King’s The Birds to shame, so I wouldn’t want to be French during this.
New Orleans Saints
This here is what we call a “civil war”. The Saints would likely have access to resources and some weapons, though when I envision a Saint, I picture a frail old man, and that doesn’t exactly inspire fear in the hearts of the enemy. The only way this isn’t an easy victory for the defenders is if the army of saints are younger and more fit, but even still, they’d have to get the blueprints of the city or something and sneak in through the tunnel from the nearby hotel into the Phillies stadium.
Green Bay Packers
This one is a bit unconventional. Victories in the field would depend on whether the packers packed weapons when they packed. If they didn’t, this siege ends in the field, as even with sheer numbers, no weapons means no victory.
If the Packers did pack weapons and win in the field, they might be able to wait out the French forces in Paris until the French run out of resources, because the Packers would pack meat like their namesakes. And they’re smart, so they’d pack Jerky to stay good for a while.
Lots of ifs here, so I’d say fortune favors the French, but it’s not open and shut.
Indianapolis Colts
Colts are young male horses – so they’re in the prime of their physical strength and quickness, and when numbering in the thousands would trample the French armies to death in the fields without too much trouble. Getting into the city is another issue, though, since horses aren’t exactly known for their ability to run into walls at full speed repeatedly without dying. I’d say the French are likely to win this one when it comes to the city defense, and the horses would eventually just run off to go start small businesses or something.
Toss Ups
Philadelphia Eagles
Of the birds, the eagles likely have the best chance at victory. They combine great built in weapons with the ability to fly over the walls, and are also absolutely massive. Their wingspan is larger than most men are tall. They can eat mammals and would be able to sustain the siege for a long time, so I’m inclined to say they’d do pretty well. Still, they’re very vulnerable to trained spearmen, and they can’t do much about armor, so nothing is guaranteed.
Denver Broncos
The only reason I have this ranked differently from the colts is because broncos are generally considered to be more wild and ferocious than standard horses. They buck, they stomp, they charge. Of the two horses, the broncos are more likely to charge the gates of Paris and try to break through. I don’t know if they’d succeed, but look at the Broncos logo – the horse’s eye is orange. It’s on a fucking mission.
Houston Texans
There are a lot of factors that go into this one. First off, the field battles would likely be a clean sweep for the Texans, given the sheer quantity of modern firearms they would bring along. Breaching the city, though, would be a different story. The soft, doughy bodies of residents of Texas are not conducive to any sort of athletic feats when breaching the walls, so they would have to improvise.
Theoretically, enough gunshots could eventually take down a stone wall if they’re concentrated and accurate enough, but that’s a risky path. The easiest way forward would be for one of the Texans to have brought along their Ford F-350 and simply drive it full speed into a gate. If they didn’t do that, though, I could see it going either way.
Close quarters battles inside the city would not favor the slow, doughy Texans, but firearms would likely close the gap.
Kansas City Chiefs
Chiefs would bring along weaponry and bring the good fight to the French, though they wouldn’t be well equipped to breach the walls of Paris. I wouldn’t count them out, and they have great opportunities to make quick work of the French forces out in the field, but they might stall out at the breaching, so I can’t put them any higher than this.
Detroit Lions
Let’s get one thing out of the way – in the field, the French are boned. Full stop, these big cats are going to rip them to shreds and sleep lazily on their remains. The uncertainty comes in with the city siege, though. Unlike the other big cats on this list, lions aren’t actually the best climbers around, so they wouldn’t be able to do some cat bullshit and find their way up the vertical walls and into the city.
Their ability to win this way would come from either brute forcing the gates or waiting out the city and eating any caravans that come by. I’m inclined to favor the cats here, but there’s no guarantee they wouldn’t simply get bored or hungry and leave as cats are wont to do.
Likely French Losses
Los Angeles Rams
You know the term “battering ram”? Well, guess where the name comes from? The forces in the field would be trampled mercilessly. And unless those walls and gates are extremely sturdy, the sheer blunt force of the rams doing what they do best would eventually create and opening, and the close quarters greatly favor the blunt instruments on legs.
San Francisco 49ers
Look, they’re miners, they have pickaxes. The field skirmishes would be a bit tricky, since pickaxes aren’t the best anti-personnel weapons, but their great numbers would help to make up for it. Once they reach the city, though, it’s all over – they could start hacking away at the walls and get through in record speed, especially if someone told them there was gold in them hills. Inside the city, pickaxes aren’t the most elegant weapons, but they would do in a pinch, and inner city walls wouldn’t stand a chance.
Pittsburgh Steelers
Do you want to mess with people who …
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