This is an automated archive made by the Lemmit Bot.

The original was posted on /r/nfl by /u/Yungklipo on 2024-02-23 17:43:51.

Based on this post from several years ago. NFC stadiums to come at a later date after I’ve rested up from these fights.

Context / assumptions

  • Fighting limited to stadium grounds, fight to the death
  • No outside weapons allowed by either party
  • My opponent is a literal building where everything functions as designed (e.g. decorations like a pirate ship actually fire)
  • I am fighting a literal building that, where applicable, does not need staff running functions (e.g. cannons can auto-fire)
  • I’m a 6’0" and 155 pound male in his late-30s, reasonably in-shape but no meaningful fighting experience

AFC East

  • Highmark Stadium - Buffalo Bills: It’s cold af in Buffalo, but this stadium is old and being demolished anyway. I basically just have to keep warm and wait for the inevitable demolition. EZPZ win. 1-0 me.
  • Hard Rock Stadium - Miami Dolphins: This stadium will pull out every cheap shot in the book; sun in my eyes, flooding to make me slip. Honestly I’ll take a beating, but the ref will step in and DQ the stadium for all these shenanigans. 2-0 me.
  • MetLife Stadium - New York Jets/Giants: I enter the stadium to complete silence (so you know it’s game day). Years of anguish as a Patriots fan, knowing what vile teams have made this place home. I’ve been training, preparing my body, my mind, my very soul. This is personal. I feel my pulse rise as I trot out through the tunnel, eager to avenge thousands of fans. My foot hits turf and I hear a SNAP. Torn Achilles. Well played, MetLife. 2-1 me.
  • Gillette Stadium - New England Patriots: They’ve got muskets here. With my torn Achilles, ain’t no way I’m taking down a stadium wielding muskets. 2-2.

AFC West

  • Arrowhead Stadium - Kansas City Chiefs: My Achilles healed, I feel a need to boost my confidence with a win. Arrowhead, though? Any damage I inflict will be met with instant death from the fans. I make my appeal to the ref that the fight is only supposed to be between me and the stadium, not fans of the team, but he says they live here so he can’t do anything about that. I forfeit. 3-2 stadiums.
  • Allegiant Stadium - Las Vegas Raiders: This stadium is something else! It tries to tempt me with slots at every turn, but I remain focused. I step onto the field and am hit with a blast of Las Vegas heat. Son of a bitch turned off the AC. It’s like an oven in there. I desperately look for relief but only find more slot machines and ads telling me to gamble. 4-2 stadiums.
  • Empower Field at Mile High - Denver Broncos: Having been to Denver before, I know all about altitude sickness. I arrive a week before my fight, training hard to get my heart pumping extra hard to get that oxygen to my brain and muscles. I pull up to the stadium only to find it engulfed in flames once more. He must have left the oven on when he was done cooking. Stadium forfeits. 4-3 stadiums.
  • SoFi Stadium - LA Chargers/Rams: I’m in awe of such beauty! It seems almost criminal what I’m about to do. Fortunately they only need to worry about football games here every couple Februarys so I don’t feel bad; they’ll have plenty of time to clean up and rebuild before hosting fans of football. Smashy smashy! 4-4.

AFC North

  • M&T Bank Stadium - Baltimore Ravens: A solid stadium. No particular weapons that tip the scales in its favor. We fight from dawn 'til dusk with no clear winner emerging. It’s a draw. 4-4-1 stadiums.
  • Cleveland Browns Stadium - Cleveland Browns: Rage builds in me, sweat pours from my brow. This is where Deshaun Watson played. Then I chuckle at how much he got paid only to barely play. The Dawg Pound sits empty (which makes it slightly more threatening that game day when it’s filled with fans that are dead inside) and a twinge of guilt hits for the pain I’m about to rain down. I brush away the fleeting feeling and get beating. It’s surprisingly easy, almost like the money that should have gone into maintenance went…elsewhere. I win. 5-4-1.
  • Acrisure Stadium (aka Heinz Field) - Pittsburgh Steelers: This ain’t no aluminum stadium, we’re talking American steel, baby! My blows only serve to anger the stadium. A flurry of yellow engulfs me. My God…the towels…I forgot about the towels! My last memory is the stink of Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania entering my nostrils. 5-5-1.
  • Paycor Stadium - Cincinnati Bengals: Definitely a beauty, but from Wikipedia: “The construction of the stadium was funded by taxpayers to tune of $555 million, the largest public subsidy for an NFL stadium at the time. The Bengals had threatened to leave Cincinnati unless the city agreed to subsidize the stadium. In 2011, The Wall Street Journal described the stadium deal as “unusually lopsided in favor of the team and risky for taxpayers.” Since then, additional costs have been imposed on taxpayers related to the stadium. By one estimate, taxpayers will have paid $1.1 billion by 2026, the year in which the 26-year deal expires.” I smile and crack my knuckles, feeling the support of the locals as I pound its pretty little facade. 6-5-1 me.

AFC South

  • NRG Stadium - Houston Texans: I don’t stand a chance, as this stadium is a critical part of public safety during hurricanes and floods for Houstonians (Houstonanites? Houstonmen?). I realize I cannot beat it and move to forfeit. I’m greeted with 2 feet of surging water, sweeping me away. I use my last breath to argue that this is outside the stadium and doesn’t count, but the ref has also been swept away and cannot process the appeal. 6-6-1.
  • EverBank Stadium - Jacksonville Jaguars: Finally, practically a gimme! I sleep in and arrive the stadium just in time for the fight. I glance around and spot a swimming pool filled with beautiful women! I check the clock; still time! I slick back my hair and stride over, hoping to join in some traditional Jacksonville breakfast of Fireball whiskey and more Fireball whiskey. As I near the closest pool, it dawns on me: These are Jacksonville women. My blood runs cold. The sun-bleached hair…the sun-damaged skin…my God, the melanoma! Has no one around here heard of sunscreen?! I turn to run and slip on the wet deck, hitting my head and providing sweet relief to being trapped in Florida. 7-6-1 stadiums.
  • Lucas Oil Stadium - Indianapolis Colts: A venue I am very familiar with, giving me the upper hand. I whisper “Tom Brady…” Anger in the building rises as it responds “January 21, 2007.” Ok, that’s fair. “What’s that banner up there? 2014…I can’t quite make it out…” The roof slowly opens but gets jammed. EZPZ win. 7-7-1.
  • Nissan Stadium - Tennessee Titans: I stumble to the stadium, still drunk from the night before. My head stings as some memories come flooding back…tequila shots…mechanical bulls…telling women I thought country music was totally awesome even though it’s all corporate swill nowadays…getting branded in the back of a Toyota Tacoma as part of some initiation or possibly sex thing? No way I’m winning this. I step onto the field, littered with Coors Light and Modelo cans. No Bud Light? Weird. Turns out there was yet another Kenny Chesney concert here last night and the stadium is more hungover than I am. We agree not to fight and just chill in the quiet with some Gatorade instead. 7-7-2.