couldn’t agree what restaurant to call. My solution would be to order what I want, telling my partner to order what she wants. Why must we order from the same restaurant?

Otherwise you’d have to pay double the delivery fee or drive to two different places to pick up the orders, which might not be ready at the same time. There are advantages to cooperating on things.

She wanted to have lunch with another couple (double date), he said no, because he wanted a quiet weekend and suggested she goes alone with the couple. She started yelling about not doing things together.

But why must couples do everything together? Why is doing things separately not a good idea? He gets his peace and she gets to socialize.

If you aren’t doing things together, that’s a different sort of relationship than if you are. It’s valid to want one or the other, but should probably be on the same page about it with your partner.

To me most of the draw of a relationship, romantic or otherwise, is the opportunity to work together to make both of your lives better, to have someone you trust to care how you feel and who has your back, and who you can do the same for them. Playing a role in someones life can be a satisfying responsibility to fulfill and worthwhile, but it should ideally be something you actively choose to be responsible for. It sounds like what you’re struggling with is that because of your upbringing you have a hard time seeing that sort of responsibility as anything other than something that you get roped into due to circumstances, tradition, guilt and manipulation, but it doesn’t have to be like that. Sometimes someone asking you for help is because they trust you and know you want to help, rather than trying to take advantage and control you.

That said, you don’t have to want to work towards that either, it’s also fine if you want a sort of relationship where you keep a lot of distance from each other, just find someone who also wants that instead of someone hoping for something else.