“Did I tell you about my mom and dad? Well, my mom and dad went on vacation down at Mammoth Cave, Kentucky. This was about…six years ago, I think. Seems like it was six, about six years ago…six or seven, possibly seven, could be. Somewhere in there, six, seven: more than six, less than seven. Let’s call it six and a half. So my mom and dad went on vacation at Mammoth Cave, Kentucky, and my dad found a big rock. …What he thought was a big rock; turns out it was a dinosaur turd. A petrified dinosaur turd, twenty-seven-pounder.”

“You know, now that I think of it, it might have been eight years ago. That would’ve been close to Y2K, wouldn’t it? Remember Y2K? Whatever happened? Everybody was all worried about that; nothin’ ever happened. Hahahahahaha. Big fuss…nothin’ ever happened! You know? God, that’s strange, you know? So let’s say…we’ll say it’s eight years ago, it was either eight or five.”

“So my dad gave my mom this big turd; he said, ‘Here, Mom, this is a big dinosaur turd; put it in your purse and take that home.’ My mom said, ‘Dad, I don’t think this is a dinosaur turd; this thing is still warm. Whoever dropped this thing is still walking around in here, and we better get the fuck outta this cave!’”

“Nine years ago! Nine. I know it was nine because my wife was pregnant with our first boy, Mak Mudi Ben’el Said ben Salaam. And he’s ten now. …Or is he? He’s eleven, maybe he’s eleven. He’s either eleven or five.”