Why are you asking a question when you clearly made up you mind already? :)

You are wrong of course, you can buy anything with crypto as long as the other person accepts crypto (there are dozens of marketplace, not only darknet ones, e.g. xmrbazaar).
My instance hosting is paid for in Monero. I plan to change it soon to another hosting, which also accepts Monero. The domain is also paid for in Monero. Same for my VPN (Mullvad actually offers 10% off when you pay in crypto!). I regularly donate to projects such as GrapheneOS, Qubes, Whonix, TOR using Monero. I donate Monero to support people hosting things I use, e.g. invidious instances. Your employer absolutely can pay you in crypto if they choose to, and there are examples of people who do receive their salary in crypto. You could easily find examples/articles about that if you wanted to.
No, money is not defined by “everyone agreeing that it is valuable and willing to exchange it for goods and services”. Do you think Zimbabwean dollar (or any other foreign currency other than a few most popular ones) is valuable? Would you agree to sell me your goods and services for it? Why not? Right, because it is not the currency YOU use. Other people use it, so it is money for them. Same with crypto. People use it as trustless p2p money whether you like it or not.

If you need to hate crypto so much please get back to arguments such as “oh no it uses a lot of energy and allows people to freely exchange it for goods and services buy drugs on the internet”, at least those are correct. Please also subscribe to r/buttcoin if you use reddit.