Since OP admitted this was “made-up clickbait and satire,” I’ll just comment for anyone stumbling upon this. You can:

1. Check out a free self-help CBT book from the library.
2. Get free evidence-based practices that you can do alone at ggia.berkeley.edu
3. Get free guided mindfulness meditation audio/video from www.uclahealth.org/…/guided-meditations
4. Use health insurance to safely get transcranial magnetic stimulation (TMS): clinicaltmssociety.org/find-a-clinic/
5. Seek help in !mentalhealth@lemmy.world or !Help_Others@lemmy.blahaj.zone.